Stuyvesant Town's Staged Press is a Disaster too.

The New York Times ran a well orchestrated, (yet utterly uninteresting), article yesterday presenting Stuyvesant Town as a semi-OK place to live. Aside from that, we’re not quite sure what the point of the PR blunder was.

To save you from reading the dry-as-toast piece.

Maggie Weber and Joey Arak. Maggie is a school teacher. Joey is an editor at Curbed.com, a website we love, whose online advertisers include Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village.

Maggie and Joey lived in the East Village but they wanted to move. Maggie leases a car. Maggie likes to drive. Maggie couldn't find parking. Maggie found parking! Drat! The community garden opposite the building where she wanted to park, “functioned more as a raucous gathering place than a vegetable plot.”

The point of the article is here somewhere.

Maggie and Joey’s old apartment had roaches. After some minor apartment hunting this past April, Maggie and Joey ended up in Stuyvesant Town. Stuyvesant Town doesn’t have roaches. Huh?

Maggie and Joey have a dog. Their dog is named Frank. Frank is cute. Frank barks. The neighbors complain when Frank barks. Maggie and Joey buy a collar that gases Frank when it barks.

The point? Oh, that’s right, the point!

Mr. Arak said he is a “devout reader” of the Stuyvesant Town tenants’ message boards. Mr. Arak says, “I am amazed at the anger against market raters and Tishman Speyer. If I didn’t live here, I would assume it is a living hell.”

That "living hell" was featured last week in The New York Times, one of the many articles describing the chaos in the complex, but, OK.

Mr. Arak continues, “But I love living here." (Wait 12 months.) "Now we have this big apartment that is nicer than anything I thought I would be able to afford. I never thought I would have a dishwasher in my whole life.”

Big and nice. Never in his whole life? A sentiment so sweet, it’s like Tishman Speyer wrote it themselves.

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Comment of the Week

"I wonder why us rent stabilized tenants received a notice from Tish Spy that we're supposed to close ourselves in our bathrooms and thoroughly seal the windows and doors with duct tape, since our "special" air (as they refer to it) will be pumped in through the shower heads?

- Girl, in response to "Life on the Inside: Air"

The Lux Weekender: Tree Planting 911

Grab your spade and join your fellow residents Saturday morning to help Stuyvesant Town finish the landscaping project they clearly can’t finish on their own. Starting at 7AM residents are encouraged to finish planting the rest of the expensive trees that Peter Walker and Partners left un-watered and ready to die. After all, you are paying for them.

Somewhere, Alfred Joyce Kilmer is rolling in his grave.

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National Geographic Features Stuyvesant Town’s Lost Tasaday Tribe

Finally this week, some good press for Tishman Speyer and their lovechild, Stuyvesant Town. The latest copy of National Geographic which hits newsstands on Tuesday has a glowing cover story on the recently discovered Tasaday Tribe residing in Stuyvesant Town’s Avenue C loop.

The tribe was discovered back in February soon after Tishman Speyer hired landscape demolition experts Peter Walker and Partners to start cutting down hundreds of healthy trees to make room for the new haphazardly planted dead saplings, ragweed, and brier patches.

In the article PWP associate Douglas Findlay describes his first encounter with the tribe. “Dude, we had just leveled this huge Oak tree in Stuyvesant Oval and started throwing rocks at a Cardinal we found trying to protect her fallen nest. Then, like, all of a sudden my crew started dropping like flies. That’s when we first saw the little bastards.”

The Tasaday Tribe shot poisonous blow darts at the landscape “architects” before being bagged and beaten by Stuyvesant Town security. Soon after human rights pioneer, Audley Moore, rose from the dead just long enough to put a curse on Stuyvesant Town, Tishman Speyer, and Peter Walker and Partners for the mistreatment of the tribe.

Fearing more bad publicity and yearning for curse avoidance, Tishman Speyer quickly hired Costas Kondylis and Partners to erect a tricked out tree fort in the Oval for the tribe. The Tasaday’s were also given their own golf carts so they could roam freely around the complex. In addition, a new series of TV commercials for Stuyvesant Town featuring the tribe, produced by the Martin Agency of Geico fame, will hit the air later this summer.

Artwork Submitted by Lux Living reader, Joan.

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Rob Speyer Displays Troubled Behavior and a Controversial Future Stuy Town

Tishman Speyer hoped to relieve Stuyvesant Town residents with their innovative ideas at a press conference held this morning when they unveiled their bold new plans for the future of Stuyvesant Town. Unfortunately those in attendance who witnessed the bizarre events were left wondering if this is the beginning of the end for the luxury management company and their president.

It all began last month when it was announced the much hyped press conference would be held at the Howard Johnson Express Inn located at 135 East Houston Street, quite a departure from their last conference held at The Plaza Hotel.

Then Tish-Spy President Rob Speyer showed up thirty minutes late to the press conference wearing unusually tight clothing which he purchased at the neighboring American Apparel moments before arriving. Reeking of alcohol and chain smoking, Mr. Speyer launched into an incoherent rant in which he said things like, “If I have to hear one more word about those damn trees I’m torching the place,” and “There’s two guys having sex in my SUV parked on Delancey and I just met them.” Mr. Speyer was eventually sedated and taken to an adjacent room while an assistant proceeded with the press conference.

Then there was the much anticipated reveal of what the future Stuyvesant Town would look like. Onlookers were expecting the typical, unimaginative floor-to-ceiling glass box banality that is sweeping the city but there was an audible gasp when the “Stuyvesant Town 2020” 3D rendering was revealed which heavily drew inspiration from the notorious Kowloon Walled City.

During an intense Q & A regarding the rendering, Mr. Speyer reemerged from the broom closet, sans trou, screaming, “You want middle class? I’ll give you bitches middle class!” before tripping over a plastic Yucca tree and knocking himself unconscious on the floor.

When asked for a statement the Tishman Speyer representative we spoke with made ‘busy signal’ noises into the phone before hanging up.

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Life on the Inside: Air

Submitted by Lux Living reader, Patti.

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Z100 Stuyvesant Town Apartment Giveaway

Radio station Z100 and Stuyvesant Town have named Michigan transplant Brandon Miller (pictured) as the winner of their Z100 Stuyvesant Town Apartment Giveaway contest. Stuyvesant Town and their brilliant management team, Tishman Speyer, hoped the contest would increase awareness of the luxury rental complex with the hard partying Jersey girls and crystal meth smoking gay men who make up the station’s key demographic while still maintaining its luxurious image with the elite tenants who currently reside there.

Miller’s new apartment is located on Avenue C and overlooks the scenic FDR drive. The one bedroom apartment comes furnished with $10,000 worth of futons and bean bag chairs from Huffman Koos and a Bose Ipod Dock so Brandon can listen to remixes of Haddaway’s One More Time whenever he likes.

Brandon celebrated his first weekend in Stuy Town by taking part in the Dude & Bro Pub Crawl before polishing off a case of Bud Light with a man pal in a playground and passing out drunk beneath a security camera.

Tishman Speyer is so proud of this outside-of-the-box approach to management they are working on a new campaign in which they will pay drunks to hand out incentive flyers to the homeless twenty-something-year-olds who live in Tompkins Square Park.

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Stuyvesant Town Falls Short on Landscaping Date

Residents of Manhattan’s most glamorous luxury rental residence woke up this morning to find yet more disappointment from management in their inboxes. An email sent out by Tishman Speyer, the company responsible for the dramatic drop in the complex’s occupancy rate, stated that the mammoth landscaping project which began in February will not meet the expected completion date of June 20th, 2008.

“We regret to inform you that the re-greening of Stuyvesant Town will take much longer than expected because of unforeseen setbacks,” the email stated. “Aside from the 200,000 trees that died soon after planting, we have come to learn that most of our gardeners were undocumented illegal immigrants and were found to be taking massive amounts of hallucinogenics during the planting process. This is why you will find that the few trees which actually survived are planted within inches of each other.”

The project is the creation of Peter Walker and Partners, a landscape architecture firm based in Berkeley, Calif. An article in The New York Times back in April quoted Peter Walker as saying, “This is probably the largest planting project we have ever done.” Clearly.

The email stated the new expected deadline for the project will be June 20th, 2009. Some residents were so angered that they stormed the management office, flipping over several dangerous golf carts, and threw large potted plants and tree branches through the windows before burning it to the ground.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg issued a statement following the four alarm blaze saying, “I think Tishman Speyer forgets that the only way you can successfully run a property that size is to keep the tenants happy. You can only test their patience for so long.”

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OvalCharge

Submitted by Lux Living reader, Joan.

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Stuyvesant Town Tenant Referral Program

Stuyvesant Town wants to shower its luxury residents with fabulous gifts for participating in their inmate tenant referral program!

Here’s how the program works! If you refer someone who signs a lease, each of you will receive a $75 gift certificate to the local PETLAND DISCOUNTS so you can purchase a sick animal for your swank, new apartment! For every three newly signed leases you refer by August 31, 2008, you’ll not only receive that dead parrot, you’ll receive a choice of one of the following:

• Five $2 gift cards to BARGAIN BIZARRE on 14th Street.
• A free VHS rental from BLOCKBUSTER.
• A delicious Açaí Berry smoothie from BRUNO RAVIOLI.

In order to be eligible, your soon-to-be ex friends must include your name and address on the registration form when they sign their financial security away. Start earning your rewards today!

Call 888.231.8690 for more details.

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Comment of the Week

"I love that they discontinued the yearly flea market because it didn't mesh with their wanting-to-be-perceived as young and hip image yet they have no problem with piles of garbage like this just sitting there for days."

- Anonymous blogger in response to "Darling, I Love You, but Give Me a Stuy Town View!"

The Lux Weekender: Bed Bug Clinic

Are you one of the thousands of Stuyvesant Town residents being devoured in the latest bed bug epidemic? Then get your red, punctured flesh over to OvalPest this weekend and learn the latest techniques in germ warfare to keep your apartment vermin free!

Renowned scientist Dr. William Worthington will lead a four hour seminar in which he will divulge some of his most prized recipes proven effective in killing Mother Nature’s little pariahs.

Working in a semi-controlled environment, Dr. Worthington will show residents how they can make their own potent DDT/inhalation anthrax blend right at home with items found at the local hardware store. Residents will then be encouraged to spread the relief by hosting Tupperware-like biological warfare parties to show other residents how to defeat the mini blood suckers.

Tishman Speyer said they are aware of the beg bug epidemic and encourage residents to call a special hot line they setup which promises to go directly to voice mail.

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Stuyvesant Town Community Events

When Stuyvesant Town’s community isn’t being torn apart by skyrocketing rent hikes and improper evictions, it thrives! And who wouldn’t thrive with these lovely events planned for the second half of June!

Stuyvesant Town Greenmarket
Every Sunday at the OvalBeet from 9:30am-4pm.

The freshest fruit, vegetables, flowers and baked goods, all from neighborhood bodegas. Think fresh, settle for less.

Wine Tasting with Michael Moore
Monday, June 23. 6:30am at OvalLush.

Join us on Monday morning to sample the newest wines created by controversial filmmaker Michael Moore. Favorites include Shiite Shiraz, Conspiracy Sauvignon, and Guantanamo Gewürztraminer.

Hamptons and Fire Island Shuttle
Fridays, June 20 & 27. Pickup at 6:30pm at OvalHitchhiker.

To reserve a seat, visit www.urbansherpa.biz/pcvst. For pricing and other information, call Recreation, at 212-598-5296.

This free shuttle service is perfect for those residents who can’t afford an apartment, a summer home AND a car. But don’t stay too long or you’ll be evicted for that other “full time” residence!

Lil’ Tykes Good Citizen Day
Saturday, June 28. 10am-1pm at OvalBrats.

Are the kids you always wanted turning out to be more than you can handle? Joe Frost from Supernanny will be on hand to whip those little devils into shape.

Armed with nothing but a whip and bullhorn Miss Frost will offer her famous brand of child taming for parents pushed to their emotional edge. She will also award “Good Jr. Citizen” certifications, designed to reward children who have good manners at home and in the community.

Coming in July…

Day trips to McSwiggins and Coyote Ugly!

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OvalPee

Submitted by Lux Living reader, Joan.

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Darling, I Love You, but Give Me a Stuy Town View!

Are you part of the elite group of residents fortunate enough to be living the high life in Stuyvesant Town? Want outsiders to see the beauty, intrigue and glamour they are missing? Trip over yet another pile of garbage?

Submit photos of your luxurious environment so other, less fortunate New Yorkers can see what a $25,000 a month lifestyle looks like!

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Tish-Spy Strikes Black Gold

An article published in The New York Times today reveals that Tishman-Speyer, the property management company responsible for slowly running Stuyvesant Town into the ground, purchased the complex because it sits on oil-rich land.

Residents have long wondered what the haphazard fences and scaffolding have been hiding the past few weeks that is until this morning when they were taken down to reveal dozens of huge nodding donkeys.

“I can’t believe my eyes,” one resident told us in shock. “What next, a nuclear reactor? Oh, I shouldn’t give them any ideas!”

After several unreturned phone calls, a Tish-Spy representative fired off an email stating, “It’s obvious we have no interest in maintaining the buildings or the property. Is anybody really surprised?”

Elderly Suffer In Luxury Complex

Residents living in New York City’s most infamous housing complex know firsthand the difficulties of getting around on the 80-acre quagmire. On any given day Stuyvesant Town’s tenants must dodge construction equipment, avoid falling into freshly dug holes, tap dance their way around huge piles of garbage all while steering clear of property managers who race golf carts on the sidewalks like 12 year-olds.

And then there is the issue with large, unexplained fences arbitrarily placed throughout the complex. The fences block access to everything including traffic, delivery trucks and emergency vehicles. Some residents can’t even use their front doors because they wake up to their building needlessly fenced off.

The upwardly mobile are fortunate in the sense that they can step over the piles of garbage and scale the fences when needed. For Stuyvesant Town’s senior citizens life on the outside is increasingly difficult.

86 year-old Ed Woodmunch (pictured) only leaves his apartment once a week now because he can’t get around the complex in his wheelchair. “They block the wheelchair ramps with bushes, there’s garbage everywhere, and I get lost because I can’t see over the fences,” he tells us. “The last time I was able to get to the senior center for bingo, I arrived only to find out they converted it to a wine shop. I don’t like wine.”

Other seniors avoid the Oval because they fear getting hit by the speeding trucks that pass by. “I can only move so fast and these young men drive right up behind me and honk,” another senior tells us. “I think they’re trying to kill me for my apartment.”

A Stuyvesant Town spokesperson acknowledges the property is a bit disheveled right now but dismisses rumors they are trying to off the elderly tenants for their apartments. “That would be too much work on our part, they should just sit quietly at home until it’s their time to go.”

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Comment of the Week

"Life in Stuyvesant Town has become very weird and bizarre since Tishman Speyer purchased the property and started making "improvements."

We who live there are subjected to nerve-shattering noise and hazardous conditions every day. If we didn't joke about it, we would probably storm the management office and kill somebody.

If you are planning on living in Stuyvesant Town, be prepared to pay a LOT of money for a very poor quality of life."

- Anonymous blogger in response to "Life on the Inside: Undocumented Workers"

The Lux Weekender: Stuy Town's Greenmarket

Cultivating their own brand of horticultural heaven, Stuyvesant Town invites residents to join them in the Oval this weekend for their Greenmarket and Children’s Landscaping event!

Saturday morning promises the freshest fruit, vegetables, flowers and baked goods, all from neighborhood bodegas. Unlike the Farmer’s Market in neighboring Union Square, the Greenmarket will feature half the selection at twice the price.

And if little Junior is driving you crazy, send him over to the children’s landscaping clinic where Stuyvesant Town’s own head landscaper will show him how to plant new trees within inches of each other while wolf-whistling at women passing by.

The weekend’s events hope to introduce both children and parents to the fun of gardening while teaching the importance of buying and eating local produce. Wicked cool!

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Oval Lounge - Pool, Booze and Gritty Dramas

Residents of Stuyvesant Town are waiting with baited breath for the opening of the new Oval Lounge which promises first class entertainment, top shelf liquor and the occasional celeb sighting.

The Oval Lounge is part of the new strip mall being forged in the heart of Stuyvesant Town know as the “Oval” where tenants are welcomed to spend their hard earned money while awkwardly socializing with each other before heading off to binge drink on Avenue A.

The edgy lounge will include pool tables, seating areas and a single large flat screen TV where residents can watch Frank Sinatra shoot up in The Man with the Golden Arm (pictured) and other psychological disasters like Last Exit to Brooklyn and The Accused.

Tenants living directly above the city’s newest hot spot will no doubt thrive in the French Quarter-like atmosphere which promises them intelligent conversation and all the second hand smoke one could hope for late at night.

A Town & Country profile piece is already in the works and the opening night gala gawkers can expect to see Tara Reid, Sylvia Miles and the Olsen Twins.

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Life on the Inside: Undocumented Workers

Though most of Stuyvesant Town is now enveloped in a border fence designed to keep out illegal immigrants, on any given morning you can see white vans packed with hundreds of undocumented workers entering the complex at 14th Street and Avenue A which leaves residents asking just where does Stuy Town stand on the illegal immigrant issue?

Early this May, Stuyvesant Town embarked on a rigorous campaign to warn residents about the dangers illegal immigrants pose on them. Long time resident Marianne Markowitz tells us how terrified she was when she read a brochure that management mailed to her. “Oh my god! It said stuff like ‘If you see any illegal immigrants, use one of the 15,000 security phones on the complex to call for help immediately! If you don’t, they may stab or shoot you!’ I was horrified! I told Morty to get his gun!”

The alarmist propaganda also reminded tenants to be careful who they buzz into their buildings. “Oy, then it said ‘Illegal immigrants disguise themselves as food delivery people, and though they may look harmless in their baggy clothes and white aprons, they could cut your throat, enter your apartment and rob you blind’” Marianne tells us. “I just ordered from Johnny’s Pizza last night, I’m lucky to be alive!”

Stuyvesant Town even went so far as to build a three mile border fence around the complex to keep out illegal immigrants which they later billed tenants for as an MCI. But after seeing Stuyvesant Town chauffer scores of migrant workers into the complex each morning, tenants want to know if José and Maria are friends or foes?

“First they tell us to hide from them because they’ll shoot me and now I see them watering my plants,” Marianne says, clearly confused by Stuy Town’s mixed messages. “I think this whole issue is just a sick ploy to sneak in another MCI with that rickety fence.”

Stuyvesant Town had no comment on the vans, immigrant workers, or the bathtubs with religious icons in them that have been popping up across the complex.

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Music on the Oval Begins!

Tonight Stuyvesant Town kicks off its summer concert series, Music on the Oval, which promises to keep Stuy Town’s elite residents dancing into the wee hours of the twilight.

The weekly event boasts New York City’s hottest cover bands and their fresh takes on classic hits from today’s most relevant artists like Sugar Ray, Rascal Flatts and Hootie and the Blowfish.

Stuyvesant Town expects residents to dress for the event, leave their kids at home, and pay a $25 cover charge. Bottled water will be on hand as well as Bud Light for those more adventurous.

Comment of the Week

"Some of us have been doing our laundry on the rocks at Stuyvesant Cove for quite a while now.

We beat our clothes on the rocks and sing in unison - Kumbaya when we are doing the delicates and woolens, but we like a little hip hop when we are working on the heavily soiled items. We enjoy rubadubbing the really soiled items to a little Snoop Dogg. It kind of channels the aggression in us."

- Anonymous blogger in response to "Dreamy New Laundry Rooms Coming Soon!"

The Lux Weekender: Oval Events Canceled

Stuyvesant Town management regretfully informed tenants that this weekend’s R.S.V.P. events in the Oval have been canceled because of safety concerns after an accident earlier this week.

Tenants learned via email that the exclusive events such as Baby Pilates, Mid-Morning Wine Tasting, and Doo-Wop at Sundown have all been canceled because of concerns that residents could hurt themselves in the confusing maze of fences, deep holes and construction equipment throughout the Oval.

Earlier this week a toddler fell into what looked like an open grave and while the mother frantically tried to retrieve her child, people passing by stopped and took photos of what looked like a raucous funeral.

Fearing a repeat performance from the red wine soused moms, Stuy Town called off the events.

Dreamy New Laundry Rooms Coming Soon!

Stuyvesant Town residents were informed this week that new laundry rooms are on the way and just in time as the old laundry rooms installed only three years ago just scream Starrett City!

On the plus side residents are pleased that each building, with an estimated ninety-nine apartments each, will no longer have to share just six washers and eight dryers. The days of rodeo-sized roaches and homeless squatters will also be a thing of the past along with empty vending machines and fluorescent lighting.

The new laundry rooms will have fifty new washing machines and sixty new dryers, enough to accommodate the gangs of maids who insist on washing seven loads simultaneously. A soap concierge will be on hand to make suggestions as to which detergent is right for your skin type. The new laundry rooms will also be supplied with HEPA Filters and wet bars to make the experience all the more luxurious.

On the downside the renovations will take eight months not counting the accidental fires and flooding caused by the undocumented day laborers contracted to do the work. Since Stuyvesant Town’s astronomical rents have forced all of the local laundromats to close, residents are encouraged to take their clothes to Stuyvesant Cove and beat them on a rock.

Posh Image Threatened by Round Kids

With their occupancy rate in the toilet, Stuyvesant Town is doing everything they can to improve their luxurious image so it was only a matter of time before they hopped on the child obesity bandwagon.

As part of the new strip mall opening in the fall, Oval Kids will be a mini fat camp where residents can take their chubby checkers to work off their Bruno Ravioli waists.

“It’s a dream come true,” one mother tells us. “Little Timothy has turned into a big ham bone thanks to Bruno’s Mississippi Mud Pies and Dunkin’ Donuts new breakfast pizzas…oh, and that fab Walgreens with the Pringles specials. Me, I’m just trying to lay off the Arbour Mist…with no luck!”

An Oval Kids membership will set parents back about $650 a month to enroll their rotund rug rats in a basic program where kids can expect to participate in a variety of rigorous sports including extreme cage fighting, BASE jumping, and fence-plowing.

Second Life Welcomes Stuyvesant Town

After some heated debate, Second Life has agreed to let Stuyvesant Town join their virtual world under the condition that they treat their virtual tenants fairly, a concept Tishman Speyer is still trying to grasp.

Launched in 2003, Second Life is a 3-D virtual world teeming with people, entertainment, experiences and opportunity. Since Stuyvesant Town is having an increasingly difficult time keeping their real world residents because of things like surprise 28% rent increases, they are looking to capitalize on the virtual world though admittedly Second Life wasn’t interested at first.

“We had some concerns that they would treat their virtual residents the same way they treat their real world residents - like walking ATM machines,” said a representative for Linden Research, Inc., creators of Second Life. “Residents in Second Life are here to escape the real world so surprise evictions, constant construction and an unhealthy obsession with foliage won’t go over well here.”

Real world Stuyvesant Town residents are angered by this decision because they feel they shouldn’t have to pay an additional rent in a virtual world to be treated fairly by Tish-Spy. “I’m already working three jobs to make my rent,” one tenant told us. “What, so now I have to whore myself in virtual reality too? C’mon!”

Stuy Town: Life on the Inside

Lux Living would like to introduce “Life on the Inside,” a new series that lets poor, unprivileged outsiders peer in the elite, glamorous lives of Stuyvesant Town’s residents as portrayed on their new, malfunctioning website! This week we meet retired dental technician, Edna Von Blahchten.

Edna discovered that by installing Stuyvesant Town’s genius pressurized walls every four to six feet that entire suites of bedrooms, entertainment spaces, libraries and servants quarters can be easily added to a typical one bedroom apartment.


"This is a dream come true," she exclaims. "I was never able to see my grandchildren, but thanks to Stuyvesant Town's cutting edge approach to architecture, not only are we able to simply stack all nine of the little buggers in the former linen closet but they also have a playroom and a Dora the Explorer themed media lounge all in the space that was once the hallway between my bedroom and the bathroom!"

Stuy Town’s brilliant pressurized walls mean Edna’s husband now has the ability to move his busy podiatry practice with its staff of five into the dining area of their one bedroom unit. "Thanks to these LEGO walls we now have the room,” says Arnold. “I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have my own mansion in the sky in Manhattan!"

Stuyvesant Town representative Gina Marie Skeevotz aptly states, "Why spend untold millions on rambling pre-war aeries in The Dakota or on Park Avenue when for the same money you can live in made-to-order pressurized heaven right here?”

“The San Remo may be steeped in history and full of architectural detail,” she rambles, “but do they have 24/7 access to a CVS, Duane Reade, Walgreens or Rite-Aide? I think not! Our residents can sleep well knowing that they can get a diet Coke, a Tickle Me Elmo, a lawn ornament and a douche at 3AM… Stuyvesant Town has redefined luxury, babe!"

Residents Let it Rip with New Tell-All Poll

With all of the recent changes made in Stuyvesant Town, Tish-Spy wants to know exactly what their tenants think of living so luxuriously and a new poll shows they aren’t so happy.

Things got off to a bad start when, instead of sending the poll to tenants via email or snail mail, maintenance men knocked on tenants doors around 5AM two weeks ago delivering the document by hand.

When asked about the new policy that allows residents to own dogs, 94% of people polled had no problem with the pets. Oddly enough it was the influx of children that annoyed most tenants. Writing comments like “They’re only cute to you,” and “Who needs an alarm when there is a terror tot next door,” tenants are clearly unhappy with the new über breeders.

When asked about the new intercom system tenants were again displeased. “My husband doesn’t know how to work the Hal2000 and it drives me nuts” complained one tenant. Another stated, “I need another bad photo of myself like I need a hole in the head!”

To little surprise the biggest complaint was the never-ending landscaping debacle. “By the time I walk from my apartment in the Oval to First Avenue, I am green,” vented one tenant clearly unhappy with the increase of pollen.

Another complained that her apartment is overrun with ants, bees, hornets, wasps, centipedes, beetles, mosquitoes, ladybugs, aphids, spiders, earthworms, caterpillars, silverfish, fireflies, dragonflies, tsetse flies, bed bugs, deer ticks, elk and black bears.

And yet another said a crane swung a tree into her kitchen window. “I was terrified! I thought my Chia Pet went on a rampage!”

Comment of the Week

"I've been considering the move to PCVST and this new technology allowed me to make up my mind in favor of the move. I find it comforting that my raped, mutilated corpse can be tracked and ID'd...

What a comfort to my parents, knowing it is truly my remains that have been found - even if the head and hands are gone. Thanks, Sty Town."

- CisKat in response to "ID Key Cards: Big Brother in Your Pocket"