As details about Manhattan’s most controversial “luxury” housing complex and its new plague begin to see the light, it’s becoming apparent that their interiors don’t. In another embarrassment for Stuyvesant Town and their clueless management company, Tishman Speyer, the complex has shut down the production of their pressurized walls because of a tuberculosis epidemic sweeping the complex.
The pressurized wall system was the earthworm on the hook of the Stuyvesant Town leasing office who lured tenants in by allowing them to build a fake wall, at their expense of course, so they could convert their living room into an additional bedroom. This would allow tenants the option of tolerating “luxury” roommates, making life in Stuyvesant Town almost affordable.
But then market rate tenants starting becoming sick, very sick, and Beth Israel Hospital noticed an increase in Stuyvesant Town residents catching tuberculosis. After several buildings were inspected by local health officials it was determined that the pressurized walls blocked out sunlight and prevented air from circulating in the luxury apartments.
“This is inexcusable,” said a health inspector who asked to remain anonymous. “New York City hasn’t seen such unhealthy living conditions since the days of the tenements on the Lower East Side.”
Speaking of which, following in the path of the Tenement Museum on the Lower East Side, Stuyvesant Town will soon be adding OvalSlum to their list of useless amenities sweeping the Oval. The half-baked museum will show how blond girls from red states are living with, like, roommates and stuff, and couldn’t get good cell reception, and, like managed to still get take out . OMG? WTF? Flip flop. Flip flop.
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Thursday, July 3, 2008
Tuberculosis Scare Brings Down the Walls
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Stuy Town Leasing Office employee of the month Patty Barnum was disappointed when she learned that pressurized walls are no longer a selling point. “I was able to close so many deals with the extra-bedroom jive, Ms. Barnum said. “You know, like, it’s really true, there is a sucker born every minute.”
So that explains it! Those walls!!! Remember this?
NEW YORK -The 2007 tuberculosis scare occurred when a resident of Stuyvesant Town in New York City, Andrew "Drew" Speaker, (dubbed the 'TB Guy' by local newspaper, the T&V) flew from JFK Airport to Paris, France and back again while infected with tuberculosis. The incident sparked a debate in Congress on how to eliminate the squalid conditions that foster it, including growing numbers of young, middle income single people forced into living in crowded market rate Stuyvesant Town apartments.
"This outbreak is due entirely to Tishman-Speyer methods of treating prisoners, I mean tenants," raged Sen. Chuck Schumer. "We certainly have a right to complain when well prisoners, I mean tenants, are herded into cramped quarters with those who have been infected with tuberculosis. Mr. Speyer, tear down these pressurized walls!"
Well! It's about time!
Oh, if only Jacob Riis were still around to document the conditions at Stuyvesant Town. He would be able to write a whole extra chapter in his book "How the Other Half Lives."
I heard from reliable sources that Tish Spy is actually not halting production of their pressurized walls due to the link between them and the recent TB outbreak among market rate tenants, but has decided instead to simply move them to the rent stabilized apartments, hoping to steer the epidemic where they feel it can "at least do some good," as a Tish Spy spokesman put it.
If Pal Joey had any semblence of a conscience, he wouldn't allow Tishman Speyer to advertise on Curbed, knowing what bloodsucking, lying, swindling bastards they are.
Why is Madonna sitting in that rat-trap apartment?
Isn't it obvious why Madonna is in there? She and her H&M, American Apparel gang of hipsters are just who TS are hoping to attract. With their trust funds, dry senses of humor and general disinterest in life, they would make perfect tenants. That's of course if they weren't all "dj's."
Didn't you hear? She's didn't have a pre-nup.
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