Undocumented day laborers created quite a spectacle Tuesday morning after breaking several water mains in a Stuyvesant Town building, causing millions of gallons of water to spill onto First Avenue.
Three apartments were secretly being combined on the thirteenth floor to make a lusty bachelor pad for Tishman Speyer’s President, Rob Speyer, so he could secretly entertain his rotating group of male “friends.” The clandestine project had been underway for several weeks and was problematic from the start when the illiterate workers began demolishing apartments on the twelfth floor.
“I have a hard time sleeping so I took an Ambien,” says traumatized tenant Alice Molinksy. “I woke up and found all these little guys drilling holes in my walls. I grabbed my bat and started beating them like piñatas! I didn’t know what else to do!”
Once the immigrant workers migrated to the correct floor, they began tearing down retainer walls and smashing out windows. Then yesterday they jack hammered water mains without first turning off the water supply, causing millions of gallons of water to flood the apartment creating a thirteen story waterfall on First Avenue.
Residents on the street below ran for their lives, narrowly averting death. On the plus side the water washed away the new leasing office being constructed directly below the falls, preventing potential tenants from being subjected to life in the “luxury” complex.
With a string of recent bad publicity including golf cart accidents, unlawful evictions, and profiling tenants who Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village advertise with, it’s no surprise Tishman Speyer did not return calls to comment on the incident.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for reading the Lux Living archives. We have moved out of our Blogger tenement and into our new, luxurious website, www.stuytownluxliving.com. Please visit us there.
There will be no additional MCI charges for the new website.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Stuyvesant Town Construction Disaster Creates Majestic Waterfall Attraction
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
The Mayor is in his Waterfall phase. You don't think...?
A TishSpy employee who spoke off the record said that TishSpy has been experimenting with the installation of indoor water features as a new luxury element in selected apartments. The idea arose when demolition crews swung their sledgehammers with such abandon that antique plumbing fixtures burst, flooding the apartments below. Rather than own up to its poor performance, the contractor turned the tables and convinced TishSpy to experiment. Not only can TishSpy charge more for a luxury apartment with a water feature, the feature can replace pressurized walls in divvying up apartments and the runoff can be used to water the trees and bushes that are currently dying from neglect. The water feature apartments will be marketed as "Classic Wet" and "Wet Modern."
The anonymous employee added that he thinks the mayor went over the falls a few years back.
Mayor Bloomberg was just on New York 1 and said that "Speyer's Mistake is awe-inspiring" and bragged that it will pump $50 million into the city's economy as a summer tourist attraction. Sheesh!
..Spotted leaving the apartment while wiping his chin off was Judge Larry Feingold, the botched-suicide-by-blowing-up-stuy-town guy.
Well, I'm not sure if I should be sharing this or not....but Rob Speyer, also known as "Robbie Water Works," has developed a reputation in the gay community for his addiction to a certain sexual practice called "golden showers." So this "accidental" waterfall should really come as no surprise.
Post a Comment