Tishman Speyer hoped to relieve Stuyvesant Town residents with their innovative ideas at a press conference held this morning when they unveiled their bold new plans for the future of Stuyvesant Town. Unfortunately those in attendance who witnessed the bizarre events were left wondering if this is the beginning of the end for the luxury management company and their president.
It all began last month when it was announced the much hyped press conference would be held at the Howard Johnson Express Inn located at 135 East Houston Street, quite a departure from their last conference held at The Plaza Hotel.
Then Tish-Spy President Rob Speyer showed up thirty minutes late to the press conference wearing unusually tight clothing which he purchased at the neighboring American Apparel moments before arriving. Reeking of alcohol and chain smoking, Mr. Speyer launched into an incoherent rant in which he said things like, “If I have to hear one more word about those damn trees I’m torching the place,” and “There’s two guys having sex in my SUV parked on Delancey and I just met them.” Mr. Speyer was eventually sedated and taken to an adjacent room while an assistant proceeded with the press conference.
Then there was the much anticipated reveal of what the future Stuyvesant Town would look like. Onlookers were expecting the typical, unimaginative floor-to-ceiling glass box banality that is sweeping the city but there was an audible gasp when the “Stuyvesant Town 2020” 3D rendering was revealed which heavily drew inspiration from the notorious Kowloon Walled City.
During an intense Q & A regarding the rendering, Mr. Speyer reemerged from the broom closet, sans trou, screaming, “You want middle class? I’ll give you bitches middle class!” before tripping over a plastic Yucca tree and knocking himself unconscious on the floor.
When asked for a statement the Tishman Speyer representative we spoke with made ‘busy signal’ noises into the phone before hanging up.
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Thursday, June 26, 2008
Rob Speyer Displays Troubled Behavior and a Controversial Future Stuy Town
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6 comments:
oh man. i was up so late working last night and had to get up early again to finish a project. i logged on to your blog as i was drinking my coffee, and almost spit it all over the key board. you consistently make me laugh every morning. keep it up!
That's some future -- well thank you very much, Mr Speyer! Herd mother and I into some shabby cardboard corner of this complex with the rest of the rent-stabilized riff-raff as if this was Caracas, will you?! I don't think very highly of your plans to start a food program for your elderly tenants to exchange recyclable waste for sugar, rice, beans and canned sardines at the trash compactor on the avenue C Loop, either!
OMG! I had the worst sex of my life with Rob Speyer! It all makes sense now why after the Viagra failed to awaken his tiny member, he put on an orange hairpiece and insisted that I repeatedly moan, "Oh, Rob...you get it up taller and bigger than The Donald does!" which finally did the trick (earlier in the evening, he had confessed to me that he's in the process of bribing several city officials in order to buy the air rights over Stuy Town and "build that luxury slum I was foolish enough to buy higher than Trump Tower"). He then rushed off for a chest waxing and Botox treatment.
He was indeed out late the night before having a "write-down" party with Lehman Brothers. According to the bar maidens at Doc Holliday's, he blew his entire $300 government stimulus check!
I work at "Tish Spy" and this doesn't surprise me.
Maybe Robbie was upset at missing the action going on in his SUV? Ya never know!
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