Stuyvesant Town Does Reality TV

The Stuyvesant Town management office on Avenue C is now the star of a new reality TV show about living the high life in Stuyvesant Town. “Landlord Have Mercy” will focus on the hectic routine of the management staff as they ensure residents are as happy as pigs in sh*t.

A tipster in the management office told us the cameras caught a treasure trove of resident drama today, the first day of filming! One resident inquiring about a mysterious charge on his rent bill was told the $140 charge was for a new key to his laundry room. Apparently the locks were changed in his building with no warning and for no reason, leaving tenants locked out of their storage units and laundry room for weeks. When asked why he is being charged for the new key, the clerk behind the counter simply smiled and said, “because we can.”

Another resident with a three bedroom, rent-stabilized apartment found it odd that her rent bills stopped showing up right after a failed attempt by management to have her evicted. It’s no surprise that paying your rent late is grounds for eviction!

And when another tenant in a wheelchair made an attempt to straighten out a problem she was having, management threw down tire spikes, preventing her from entering the office.

When asked if they thought the questionable management tactics were hurting their “luxurious” image, a Tish-Spy spokesperson said “…any publicity is good publicity. Now here’s your bill.”

Oval Fountain Gets Makeover…Again…Again

Tenants who enjoy gazing upon the magnificent fountain in the Oval will have to spend their afternoons gazing at something else for the next few months while the fountain gets yet another makeover.

Stuyvesant Town’s prestigious fountain, one of their prized amenities, was completely renovated just three years ago which leaves some tenants wondering why the new fountain is being demolished and rebuilt yet again. “Totally wasteful,” said one tenant who stared at the empty hole in the middle of the complex. “When does this construction end? It’s like living in Baghdad.”

She continues, “You can’t sleep because of the construction. You can’t breathe because of the pollen. Can someone please explain to me what is so luxurious about this place? It’s lost on me.”

In the meantime, management invites tenants to refresh themselves during the warm, summer weather with the leaky hoses attached to the buildings. Just like The Trump World Tower!

Allergy Season a Killer in Stuyvesant Town

As allergy sufferers know spring can be an unpleasant time of year, but now the season has turned deadly. The number of Stuyvesant Town residents that have been hospitalized for respiratory problems has dramatically increased thanks to the mysterious green fog engulfing the luxury complex.

Residents noticed the fog a few months ago when the 5,863,296 new trees and plants were planted throughout the complex. When chemical fertilizers and massive amounts of Miracle Grow were dumped on the new foliage, the plants began to release an unusual amount of pollen. The green sheen has sent hundreds of Stuyvesant Town residents to the hospital and has resulted in 6 deaths including the Nasonex bee.

The 43 local drug stores including Walgreens, Duane Reade and CVS have all experienced a shortage in allergy medication. “When we started running out of Sudafed we thought residents were cooking up meth,” said a CVS employee. “Wishful thinking…it’s still hard to find tina.”

Gentrification? What Gentrification?

Feeling the heat from some tenants who feel the neighborhood is becoming overly gentrified, Stuy Town and Tish-Spy fought back over the weekend by covering First Avenue with rotten garbage and debrise.

“We want to show the community that we still have edge,” said a senior level manager who wished to remain anonymous. “Besides, we’ll just jack the rents for the new tenants to pay for the clean up, they are expecting it anyway.”

The large retail space located on First Avenue and 15th Street has sat empty for years because local businesses can’t afford the ridiculous price Stuy Town is asking. To fill the financial void Stuy Town is moving their management office to the location where they can proudly display their smug, twenty-something year old staff.

The Sky is Falling? Nope, Just More Shoddy Work at Stuy Town!

How do you encourage businesses to move into retail space when you’re asking $1,200 a square foot? Show them how exquisite your store front could look!

Our Stuy Spys passed this retail space on 15th and First, (it’s been vacant ever since the trendy Foot Locker moved out 3 years ago), and noticed that the faux marble tiles are falling off the building. What’s even better is that management thought they could fix it, unnoticed, with green packing tape. Tres chic!

Falling tiles have been a major problem for local businesses on First Avenue where customers at Gracefully, Bruno Ravioli and Tasti D-Lite have been injured recently. When asked for comment Stuy Town Management said the buildings are supposed to shed their tiles. “Tenants should spend less time eating and more time working,” said Donalda Habershamm. “I mean, you know what we ask for rents, right?”

The Lux Weekender: Sex and the City Party

As part of the nine month publicity campaign building up to the premier of the new Sex and the City movie, Stuyvesant Town will be hosting a SATC theme party at the Senior Center Saturday night.

Though none of the cast will be there of course, celebrity impersonators will be on hand representing the trashy gals that have helped turn New York City into a playground for insipid women obsessed with shoes, sex and cosmos.

Mothers are encouraged to bring their young daughters for a special class that will teach the vixens-in-training how to dumb themselves down to attract popular boys. Patricia Field will also be on hand to show the newly stupid girls how to utilize found objects to make whorish outfits.

Flooding and Feces Setbacks Aside, New Irrigation System is a Huge Success!

Stuyvesant Town’s new irrigation system has finally been installed and the lawns have never looked so luxurious! With their proven success on the small patches of grass (pictured), residents are confident that the costly amenity will sustain the 1,980,025 trees and plants recently planted throughout the complex.

“Sure, we flooded a few buildings which damaged thousands of dollars worth of personal property. We also hit a sewer line which filled a lobby with feces. And we had to dig, and then re-dig large portions of the lawns,” says managing director George Hatzmann as he explains some of the minor setbacks. “But it was clearly worth the effort. Oh, and please don’t smoke on the lawn Scarecrow,” he laughs.

This MCI is absolutely worth its weight in gold!